How It Begins: The Internet Search

Like all dummies, we start our new food-life by searching online for alternate ways of eating – because we still haven’t learned that the internet is the most efficient device for hurling oneself to the dank bottom of a wormhole of despair.

​Just such a spiraling internet search may go (and has gone) like this:​

“Ok, how can I change what we eat so that it has no dairy or egg in it?”

“Oh look, vegan recipes don’t have dairy”

“And they don’t have eggs”

“Sweet! That was easy!”

(reads on)​

. . .

“Ok, I also need to become a marathon runner”

“And hiss like a cat at anything indulgent . . . ever . . . especially evil sugar”

“And only buy organic food”

“What the hell is a Kiwano?”

“I can’t afford this”


. . .

​“Ohhhhhh my gawwwwwd, my kitchen must be sparkling clean and impeccably decorated”

“And my kids should sit in clean white linen outfits quietly watching me cook while I smile lovingly at them”

“Guess I can’t yell ‘stop licking my leg while I am trying to cook and go wash those grubby hands’ at them anymore”

“Not only do I need to change the way I eat, I need to change LITERALLY EVERYTHING about my life.”

(Sobs, sobs, sobs)

. . .

Shhhh, Shhhh, my sweet. Calm. Calm yourself. Go right now, before reading any further, and get your favorite indulgence – pour yourself a beer or coffee with (you guessed it) sugar in it, or grab your favorite stuffed animal and then come back to me . . .​

Now, deep breath and repeat our new mantra: “I don’t need to change everything. I just need to change the things I need to change. Forget the rest. Cheers.”

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